had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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