tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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