I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
