I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
