apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
im holly from the hills drunk
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
