Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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