how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
