he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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