i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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