how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
