Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
