Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
