***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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