I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
