Don't make out with my wife yet
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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