Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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