I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
3pm strippers are depressing
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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