I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
