I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
