he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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