I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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