you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
