i was born a porn star she said
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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