I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
