Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
