mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
