beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I pour the whiskey from now on
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
