So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
