sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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