You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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