I wish I could teleport
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
