It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
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definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
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Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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