He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
