just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
