normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
