In America we eat man semen.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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