I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just found a bag of teeth...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
