Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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