Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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