It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
