If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
