I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
