I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
