I accidentally burped into my bong.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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