Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
