i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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