He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
