the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
