Fine. I'll sleep in my office
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
