Moan for me like Helen Keller
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just sent this text using only my big toe
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
