I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I think a kid would responsible me up
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
