Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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