she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just gift wrapped bread.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
