Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
