I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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