You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
