Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
