Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
