I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My ATM looks so different sober.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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