theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
